“We beat ourselves up so hard during this journey because time is our currency.”
🦩 Change the negative words you tell yourself and be consistent.
🦩 Let go of your worry about the plans you had around your unborn baby.
🦩 Keep believing in your ability to make your physical baby happen.
How are you dealing with the pain of losing the child you should be holding? How do you move on from the grieving stage and start believing in yourself again?
In this episode of the Finding Fertility podcast, we speak with Sarah, Emma, and Devon about grieving for the child that should have been in the world. Devon is a fertility finance coach, Sarah is a fertility expert, and Emma is a therapist and fertility coach.
Listen in to learn how to move on from the pain that’s keeping you stuck in the past without losing the connection to your feelings.
🌺 Download your FREE Guide: Top 3 Steps to Maximise Your Fertility That Your Doctor Isn't Talking About
Thank you for joining me for another episode of the finding fertility podcast. I want to remind you that every Tuesday I re launch one of my favourite episodes that we've done in the past. So if you hear any funny dates, offers or even the podcasts being called the infertile diagnosis, this is why I hope you forgive me for this and enjoy the amazing content we're putting out here on the podcast. And whenever you're ready for more guided support, make sure you go over to the website and check out the fertility formula. This is where I take you through the six vital steps you need to overcome your fertility issues. The formula is an exclusive 10 week online programme packed full of everything I did to get pregnant naturally, using science backed functional medicine, you'll discover the method I take with my one to one clients without the high price tag. start boosting your fertility naturally by maximising all areas of your health today, the monthly membership includes special access to me your fertility health coach, so check it out over at the website, www dot fining fertility.co backslash fertility formula. Hello beautiful and welcome to finding fertility.
Friday, yay. Today, I hope that you are enjoying most of us already have the day off, but I hope you're truly enjoying this day off especially going into the Easter weekend. It is also the end of the second 10 day finding fertility challenge I want to give a big shout out to all my beautiful women who have finished this challenge strong. I know these are difficult times already infertility thrown into the middle of that or maybe the other way around, right, we were already dealing with infertility and then this shitstorm of a shitstain sandwich came into play. But you guys are amazing. And I am super, super proud of you all. Before we start this week's episode of another fertility connection talk show, I want to remind you about the services I'm offering because of the craziness to help once again, support you guys during these times now I know is a very big scary commitment to work with me for eight weeks physically, mentally and financially. So I am giving you had a chance in the month of April. And if it goes well and it fits into everyone's schedule, and the universe is like, hey, we need this. And I'll extend it for a little bit longer. But right now it is just April time only. I'm offering one on one, one hour coaching sessions. Now this is not just hey, give me a call. And we'll talk some things out, you actually have to take some time fill in some forms. These forms are pretty in depth and it gives me a big snapshot of what is going on throughout your whole body. And what we do is we get on the phone, we have a really good conversation. And then after that I take some time and do a four week plan for you to really kickstart your fertility health journey. Now this one on one coaching session can literally buy back time, save you time and increase your chances of getting pregnant naturally. Or if you are planning on going back to the clinics when they reopen, increasing your chances of getting healthy, beautiful eggs. And your husband can do this along the side. You know these forms, you can download two copies. And he can do it along and kind of see if he would like to book a one on one session as well or do a couples coaching session, we can always work that out. On top of that if you were thinking about doing some functional testing, either with your doctor or your clinic, and that's just not possible for you at the moment because they're not offering those services. I am offering a one time order form so you can order up to three different functional tests. Once again, I will get you to fill out a for not a handful for forms. And that I will review and once I get your testing back, we'll put that and make a huge picture and try to really pinpoint exactly where your fertility issues are. If you've been here long enough, you know that it's most likely your fertility issues are not in your lady bits. They're hiding somewhere else. And we're going to get down to that root cause. So those are two amazing offers I'm offering for the month of April. I'm also opening up the trying to conceive and beyond form boards over on finding fertility.co. Now this is a monthly membership that you can join, you actually get seven free days. If you joined up for this round of the 10 day challenge, you actually receive a month free of these forum boards. And these are highly interactive, very specific forum boards to get the exact support and help you need. Now this is not like Facebook, you can't go on and get distracted about Auntie Joe or who got pregnant yesterday. This is for you to really hone in and connect with like minded people and get my support any questions that you have I answered them to my best abilities, any words of wisdom that you need right now in your journey or even if you just need to vent to people that get your situation, this is the place to be. So make sure you head over to finding fertility Dotco backslash fertility health coaching and check out the TTC and beyond forum boards. Remember you get a seven day free trial you get unlimited access to the support you need and deserve during this time. So without further ado, I know I like to have a good ramble. Let's get to today's podcast episode.
Welcome back to another episode of finding fertility we are on the second week. So that means a another talk show the fertility connection we have with us today Sarah, Devin and Emma and we're gonna go round robin again and introduce ourselves.
Hey, I'm Sarah Clark, host of the get pregnant naturally podcast and we take a functional approach to fertility using functional lab testing and diet and lifestyle changes. Hi, I'm
Devin the fertility finance coach. I help women make save and manifest money for fertility treatment.
Hello, I'm Dr. Anna Radzinsky and I am a therapist and fertility coach.
Hi. And I'm Monica Cox, your host of finding fertility podcasts where I help explain your unexplained infertility. Today is the week that technically a egg can meet sperm. And you can go to a full term pregnancy and have a live birth over on my IG. Two weeks ago, you might have seen the post that I reposted from while we wait accounts talking about how her treatment was cancelled, like a lot of people's treatment during this time with the Coronavirus and how she has come to you know, another reality another year of not being able to hold her baby this year and how 2020 she was super hopeful that this was going to be your year. And I think a lot of people are feeling that and probably more so than ever, because maybe one or two of their chances have like been taken away from them. Right? Like they, they were going to do it it's not there anymore. And now the advice out there is even not to try naturally during this time in history. So we wanted to come on and maybe give some words of encouragement. I know if you saw my post, there was three things that I personally think that you can do. One is you cry that shit out man punch a wall, get mad that you know what you expected wasn't going to happen. And then let that go. Because you've got some work to do, right? You if you are still planning on doing a cycle with your clinic or if you want to get pregnant naturally, three to six months down the line, then this is your time to do those things. As you know, we've been talking that about that a lot about taking this time and doing it and finding your right diet, your like right lifestyle, and then your mindset, right? Start working on your mindset. And I always say your subconscious mind doesn't can't take a joke. So if you're sat around taking saying I'm infertile as fuck, you know, like, I can't get pregnant. Like, if I get pregnant, your mind will do everything it possibly can to prove you right? So during this time, you can start changing up your words. These are this is just a really easy thing to do. The hard thing about it is being consistent and like catching yourself when you say those things out loud. What does anyone have some wise words of wisdom or support that you can give our listeners right now? To me,
I think you can either like I like your first point there because like, wherever you are, you've got to be able to like normalise those feelings and Alan can talk a lot about that too always as well as Devin but it's It's being able to, to whatever you're feeling right now is normal. And if you're, if you're stuck in grief, and frustration and anger, really look to see if if hiring a coach or a therapist to help you work through those emotions, if you can't seem to see a path forward, like that's really key, because right now, your your plan has been taken, like it's been hijacked. And you're like, wait a minute, and now what do I do? So if you're, if that's you, I think support is key. And then with that, so if you feel if you feel that you can start taking action, so really, right now you could be stuck in that worry, fear, and consuming all this, you know, the news content consuming all sorts of blogs and being on like being everywhere, Doctor Google consuming, or you can start taking action. So if you're ready to take action, you don't think you need therapy at this point, like now is the time and really being able to whatever that action looks like for you, be it be working on your mindset, like you're talking about reframing your thoughts, being able to see this actually working, looking at your diet, starting the elimination diet. I know I harp on this, but this is key and everyone gets it wrong. This is the gold standard to figure out if you have a food sensitivity, and everyone we work with does have a food sensitivity. So figuring that out and figuring out the diet that's right for you. It's not about looking at like what the fertility diet or these general general statements for diet is doing a customised approach? And then also, like, I think, yeah, so So taking action is key. And because otherwise you just get stuck and nothing happens,
I would say I mean, I, I got all the angles to approach this from but what really hit me was the fact that anyone on the outside who had never been through fertility issues, would be really surprised to know that women had done the math and figured out what their last day of the year to get pregnant would be. And I am not surprised at all. I mean, every single time we did an IUI. And there was six, I think altogether. I knew the due date.
Oh, yeah, I made the due date every single month for almost six years, like that was and I said in my Instagram post Old habits die hard. Like that was the first thing I thought like when I saw that post, I was like, Well, I'm gonna figure this out. They don't know that. And
they don't know the things that go on, and the minds and hearts of women that are in the middle of this struggle, I remember the due date of the baby, we lost a miscarriage. And it was really, really hard. Because right at that same time, we had these friends who my husband worked with, and they had just gotten married, I had had one conversation with this lady. She was in her late 30s. And she said, I don't even know if I want kids. And they got married, and it must have been within the same week as me they got pregnant. She had been on birth control, like the whole time it was, it was Well, that happened very quickly for them. And then my husband, we were certain he was gonna get this promotion at work. And that guy got it. So yeah, so you know, I couldn't help them be really intensely better. And then every time I would see her or habit mentioned, it was like that was my baby's due date, I would have a little bump by now. I remember running into her at, you know, a basketball game. It was like a YMCA basketball game, our husbands played in the same league, and she was there with the baby. And I'm like, I don't even know if I want to look at this kid. Because that's how my baby would be. And you never forget those sorts of things. And what I will tell you now being years removed from that is that the pain is a hope that you have been holding on to the 2020 was your a year that this was it. And I get the pain of letting that go. But from a practical sense, when your kid is 10 years old, will it matter if their birthday was November of 2020? or April of 2021? It will not. Yeah. And will it matter that it wasn't on your dad's birthday or it wasn't close to this holiday like you attach Oh, there'll be born around this time and you start planning for that time, the day your child is born will be the special day. The special day is now October 19. That's when our IVF baby was born. And that is the zone holiday now. So if you're worried about that piece of it that you had it planned out, you just knew this was going to be the time just know that your time is coming and that it will be special whenever it is.
Yeah. And know that no matter how long your journey is, you'll always want to fucking control it. Right like so I was like seven and a half years into my journey and I wanted my kids two years apart. So I had my IVF baby. And because I had an emergency C section Our clinic actually wouldn't let us do the transfer earlier than when we wanted to. They were like, No, especially if you're putting two back in the risk is too high. So we had to wait two years. And so we did it. Like, I'm like, right, we're going to do it, this is like gonna happen. And then I miscarried. You know, so this whole, like the controlling and the wanting, and the planning, and the expectations, I feel like never goes away. And you're right, like two months later pregnant naturally, and it doesn't matter that my kids are now you know, whatever years and months apart, you know, it's, we do it to ourselves, right? We beat ourselves up so hard during this journey, because time is our currency. And time is, you know, we see it slipping away. So quickly,
I do want to just come back to the, to the grief bit, because I think those those kind of future memories and stuff we've been talking about and holding on to those, they are very real and very vivid. And I'm sure we've all had that experience of, we know what we know, what we want it to look like, we know, like say when we visualise when we're going to tell people know how it's going to be and what it's going to look like when we see those two lines, and all of that. And, as you say, there will be lots of people who'd kind of who knew the date in 2020, when that was going to happen. And then that grieving needs to happen. Grief, as we know has phases that that need to go through. And people will work through that in a different in their own way. But they, they it's allowing yourself to work through that and not get stuck. stuckness is such a problematic state to be in, as you will know, thinking feeling and thinking like this is a I have no choices. And I'm not going to move on from this, that that's the difficult place to be. So however, paint, moving through pain, moving through anger, and sadness, and denial, all of those things, those different phases of grief. Although that may be incredibly painful, it's a movement, it's a movement through and you may well cycle back through things as well. And that's okay, that doesn't mean that doesn't mean that you're not moving through it, it just means that you're revisiting things because there's stuff you still need to process. And but stuckness is, is the thing of stuckness. And going into a kind of depressive state, where you are feeling like there are no choices you are looking down. Depression is building that wall up. And I think especially I'm especially concerned for people at this moment, because it would be so easy to build a wall. Because you don't have to go out you don't have to make contact with people. And so I think my, my big thing would be stay connected, stay connected with yourself, do not cut off, don't go well that's it, then I'm going to forget all of that that wasn't important to me or whatever that is, however you've cut off from yourself. Stay connected to yourself, stay connected to your feelings, you don't have to numb it out. And you can kind of go Alright, well, I'm going to allow myself 10 minutes a day when i i How and then or however long I'm going to allow myself, I'm going to stay connected to those feelings. And I'm also going to stay connected to a community that understands me and my safe people. Because this this isolation thing, that's that's what worries me because people with depression and shutting down that that's when stuckness can really come into play. So I just encourage people, as I say, to stay connected, that would be my headline banner, stay connected with yourself and your own feelings, honour them, because that's really important and to stay connected with your network. And whoever they are the gorgeous people on Instagram, your your support group, you're safe people, it may be that you need to, you may need to do a little bit of looking because those that you know, that friend that you normally meet for a coffee or whatever they may not, you know, that may be taken away, but also, as you've already acknowledged, also, you don't have to meet all those people that you don't want to meet. So that's, that's a blessing. So you're gonna choose for this time, you could choose your people, but choose your people and make sure that you stay connected and make sure that you Yeah, that you kind of continue to shift the energy about that you shift it about that you don't allow yourself to become in one groove that you kind of you know that and you may have a whole day devoted to the morning work that you're doing. But then you know that there's there's something else that you're going to shift into that allows you to just have a have a window on that you may need to go back into that but you're going to keep you're going to keep things moving, gonna keep things moving.
Yeah, two things on that emote one is you are the combination of the top five people you hang out with. So if you feel like you've In, like held back or you're being held back or how we talked about, like, being judged by other people, like this might be your opportunity not to hang out with those people you know, you don't want to hang out with. But to I want to get into with you in a little bit about, you know, we're talking about, I mean to the realisation that there's a high chance you might not hold your baby in 2020. But there's a book have you read the book spirit babies, Emma?
Yeah, yeah, I have. I have.
So Emma is on a new adventure, and I'm sure she's gonna be okay with me sharing this. It's shamanic journeying, journeying. Is that correct? I
say it right is indeed. Okay.
So I asked him to go on a little journey for me. We had a big decision come up for us. She did. And what came back was truly amazing. There was one thing that just like hit home, right? Like there's no way am, I could have known this, it was really powerful to me. But I want to talk about spirit babies. Because when we do our due dates, when we have a miscarriage, when we have a stillbirth, we really grieve for that child, right? That was our child, like when you do IVF and you see those embryos, you are a mother, right? It does not matter what happens to those embryos, those are your babies. Naturally, obviously, it's a little bit harder, because you don't have that physical representation. And then obviously, when you are pregnant, it's real. Like the moment you know you are pregnant, it's real. Talk a little bit about I don't really know how to word it, like how to help move yourself, shift yourself through holding on to that child that was in your heart to knowing that your baby, your physical baby is going to come at the right time.
Yeah, that's madness. That's massive. That's massive. So the short, the short, the short thing is that there, there is a sense. And for me, this is very real. Because my boy, Billy, when he was very, very small, said to me, I chose you, mommy, I chose you. And I was like, really. And he Gotek went through this whole story of how he chose me, there's a choice between me and someone in Italy, apparently, he chose me. And this fits in with what it what it says in the spirit baby book. And there, there are lots of different there's this spiritual fertility by Jim bond, there's the cosmic cradle, there's lots of material out there, I'm sure we could put this in the show notes could be Monica in terms of if people want to follow this through, but this kind of belief in that, that your child's will make a connection with you, and will come at the right time for them to come. And so the and this may, you know, this may be too out there for some people to say I this is because Billy, Billy told me, I didn't really I left the book. But I Yeah, it was kind of he said this to me. So and, and I have had clients who really have had a sense of their future child before the child was born. And so to cut a very long story short, there are processes through which you can make connection with the baby, that your baby, as they've made that choice to make a connection with you, they make a connection with you before they kind of incarnate before they come onto the physical realm. And so that you can be developing a relationship and a conversation with and finding that, you know, they will find the right time to come to you. So people have a lot, you know, have lots of chats with their babies and have a real sense of, of, of what is yet to come and start to Yeah, to develop that relationship. And it's hard to kind of condense it so much, but hopefully, does that make sense? Yeah, up there.
How do they shift from not letting go of the child that should have been, but moving forward to the child that they will have? Does that make sense? Like, how do they shift their energy from, you know, I should have had that was my child, like, should have had that child to going? Okay, like for me, like, I know, it's just so bittersweet. I've had, I have two rainbow babies, and i i Especially my second son, I look at him and just am blown away by what I had to go through because he was supposed to be here. He was supposed to be here. So how but how do you shift your energy when you're still going through that really hard time have a sense of a loss of that specific, you know, try?
It is it's so difficult and people will find their own way which which is isn't really a kind of, I'm sure it's not a good enough answer for a lot of people, I think to know, the bottom line, I think is to know that you are on a journey to know that you are on a journey. And this is a process where I think I know I'm trying not to well up now, because as you were saying that I kind of I had a miscarriage. And I had a very strong sense that it was a boy. And actually, I go through, again, another long story, but I had had a reading and someone said to me, No, Mike, my boys, they're with me. And he was he was the age that he would be now. And so those those babies don't go, they, they, they still have a connection with them, it's still very, they're part of your life, and you don't have to just forget it and move on. And I think that that's very hurtful as we all know, when people just like, oh, well, it's so you know, it's, it was very early, and it's like, no, that was a real person and I really love them and I was them. And I think you to honour that is really important. But then to know that you are on a journey and it's that that other baby that you won't just hold in your heart you will also holding your arms is on their way to you is on their way. And that is probably the kind of best answer I can can in terms of how to shift the energy but in terms of making connection, I think it's it's like I said before in terms of making connection with your heart because and with your dreams and with your with your daydreams and with your actual kind of subconscious dreaming or unconscious, because that is quite often how things come through for you. So I think a lot of a lot of any my journey anyway was a lot of that being in my head and being in control and writing lists and all of those kinds of things and making plans writing in my diary, as you as you are the lovely people have said, well, this will be my due date this is when it's going to happen. There we go. I'll make sure I've got holiday then book dangers. Actually, that's kind of nonsense, as we know, because things don't always work out that way. But in the unconscious and in that kind of more spiritual realm where time has a whole nother thing anyway going on. To make a connection with your dream and with your Yeah, where that kind of more spiritual connection may be coming in. That's then a shift. That's, that's a massive shift in energy to to go from your head to your heart, into your into your spirit. And try hanging out there for a while and see what see what comes through to you there rather than in the planning part of yourself.
So I love I have not read spirit babies. i This would have been at that point in my life, especially way too woowoo. And out there for me and I wouldn't have even I would have rejected that immediately because I just wasn't at a place to consider it. Now I would especially because after we had my daughter, we had done years of treatment to have her it took IVF staff her we tried for 11 months after didn't work, went back on birth control because of endometriosis had an IUD in it was a nightmare to get out. And the doctor asked me did I want some birth control? And I said no. And fertility is its own birth control. I'm sick of these hormones, you know, and all this crazy stuff. And it was a really stressful time we were moving across the country for the second of three moves in two years. And my daughter was three and she or choose to and she would come and talk to my belly and talk to the baby in my belly. And I was offended. And she would say stuff about the baby in my belly. And I'd be like, No, I'm just getting that I'm stressed. We're moving like some you know, what is your deal, but she would just every now and then say something. I got really sick. I had the flu. I mean, I wouldn't tested positive for the flu. So this is also for people who are worried about all this COVID You know, and it and it was a kind of a fever, and how does that affect my body? I had the flu. It was awful. And I couldn't get better. And I called her. My mom had heard I called her and I said she said how do you feel mommy? And I said, Oh baby, I'm sick. And she said oh, because of the baby in your belly. And I said no, and brushed her off again. But while I was out grabbed a pregnancy test saying wouldn't that be so funny? I've never been pregnant on on my own wink wink. You know, this has never work. Like I'm in my 30s We've had the best doctors in the best drives. And wouldn't that be crazy if she was right? And she was right. She sensed my youngest before she was ever born before I felt it. I would have never set out a connection with a spirit baby. I would have never known that they were on the way. But she did and she knew it was a girl. I said I felt so terrible during the pregnancy. I'm like this must be a boy. It's so different. And she said no, that's my sister. And she named her and we did the little bit Don't reveal cupcake when she cut into it and she thought was paying for like you're having a sister. And she said, I know. She already knew. And she talked to her the whole time. And I didn't tell her till I was four months pregnant that I was pregnant. And she talked to her the whole time. So I don't I don't know what else can make me a believer besides that, you know, the animals can sometimes thence or another child can and it's really sort of crazy. So I just want to say, even if you are too far into feeling really depressed right now, and really sad, or really in a place of fear, and you're like, I don't sense anything good right now. Like I said, Nothing is good is coming from this, I just want to tell you, that doesn't block the amazing things that are coming your way. It's okay to feel that beautiful things are still on the way to you, whether you like it or not.
Yeah, 100%. And they say imagination is the creation of everything, right? You someone has to imagine it before it's reality. You know, think of everything physical, someone imagined that being and then they created it. So that's why, you know, we harp on about mindset and your subconscious. Because that makes it a reality. You sit there and you keep believing that this is going to happen for you. It doesn't magically happen, but you start believing in yourself and therefore you put in the work that you need to do to create it to happen. And sometimes it just takes too, too much time, right? That you can't see it unfold. It's not like a Disney movie where you get the condensed version in our in 30 minutes. You know, sometimes we're talking months, maybe even years, but I do believe now like I'm the same as you Devin and like all of the shit I would have been like whatever. Like go smoke your weed and get your little like, what's the like herbs since seeing are? The same, you
know, what's the lavender stage? And now use with Reiki crystals.
Right? I got my crystals on. Right?
I think it's I might be also helpful for people to actually rewind this listen to Emma and Devin talk about that again and see where you feel that in your body like to anchor it. Because both of those stories and talking about that is to like anchor that feeling for you is Did you feel it in your stomach? Did you feel in your heart because you get stuck in your head but like put it in your body? And you're like oh, then you can come back to that that feeling of we're all connected. There's synchronicity. The signs are everywhere like thing someone's trying to tell you there's a reason you're listening to this podcast episode right now or and then Devin I'm just like, you know, divulge their hearts there. And and really so what what's in there for you
know, very powerful. Thank you so much for being incredibly open and honest about your journey. I really truly hope that I know this week can be you know, this month and this week can be really hard during your journey and taking those words and those stories and just holding them in your heart and believing and knowing that you can make your dreams come true. And that can unfold in very many different ways. So once again, thanks for joining us here on finding fertility and we will see you next Tuesday for a closer today clip by ladies. A few more things before you go I'm actually running a little mini competition. Just here specifically on the podcast. All you need to do to win a free one on one coaching session with me that includes filling in the forms me having a review us having a chat and me devising a four week action plan for you. All you have to do is leave a rating and review down in the show notes on iTunes, if that's where you listen to the podcast. I being on it every single week. This is how the podcast grows and is able to reach other women who are on the same lines of thinking just as you are ready to take a different approach to getting pregnant. So leave as many as you want and they will be all answered in the drill to win at the end of the month. It is just for the month of April right now. So if you're listening to this in May, the contest is over. And I will randomly draw one rating and review out of a hat and that a beautiful woman will get a free one to one coaching session with me. Monica Dunn in the show notes is where you can connect with any of our beautiful talk show ladies and we will see you next week.
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Anything written or said about health and diet are my opinions, that I have formed over the years, through trial and error, study, reading, listening and observing. What worked for me may not work for you. I am not a doctor, nutritionist or dietician and all medical advice should be gotten from a qualified professional. Product recommendations are based on what I used during my infertility journey or wish I had.
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