“The measure of how much you trust someone else, is how much you trust yourself.”
Our mindset has so much power when it comes to what we do, how we react, and how we move forward. Nowhere is this more true than how we look at money. Let’s face it, infertility can be a very expensive journey, but that doesn’t have to be a hard roadblock. It can take being creative and definitely an issue to solve, but it is doable.
“Trust that you will be okay.”
In this episode, we dive into how to change your mindset when it comes to money. How to shift from a scarcity mindset and feeling that there is never enough, to an abundance mindset and have an inner knowing that the money will be there when we need it.
We also dive into where our often negative relationships with money stem from, how our childhood can affect it, and why we think the way we do. So tune in, and get ready to shift your thinking and own your finances.
“Not knowing is so hard.”
Hello beautiful and welcome to finding fertility Happy Friday all we are back with another talk show episode The for tility connection here on finding fertility. I'm your host Monica Cox. One of the reasons I really really love doing this talk show is because it brings a community into my life Infertility can be extremely lonely. And I know I spent hours and hours and hours time reading other people's stories, looking at tips and tricks of what they did. And a lot of the time I felt really sure of what I needed to do. So I'm building a finding fertility community with different forum boards that you can be super active on and be around like minded women to connect and be supported with but most importantly getting the right advice and support that you need to have during your journey. So you can ask all sorts of types of questions you can ask advice on what your doctor is saying and I can give you maybe a different perspective on things or help you advocate for yourself and ask for certain testing I can guide you along with diet and lifestyle advice and be there to be super supportive of all the hard times during this journey. So if you you are ready to be part of a community and really start tackling what you need to do to get steps closer to your dream family then head over to the website finding fertility.co and check out all the amazing benefits that you will receive when you signed up to the finding fertility community now without further ado, let's get to today's episode. Welcome back to A Another finding fertility podcast episode we are here is week two of June with a another talk show we have drops a few players today. So there's only a few of us. That's right. We all have incredibly crazy lives and I'm just super grateful that we can get together once a month and do this. So let's go around and see who we have today.
I am Devin by Aysa the fertility finance coach I help women make save and manifest money for fertility treatment.
I'm Sarah Clark, founder of fat fertile and host of the get pregnant naturally podcast and we have access to functional lab testing and help couples make diet and lifestyle changes.
And I'm Monica Cox and I help you explain your unexplained infertility through yeah the same as Sarah testing and getting down to the root cause of what's actually really going on. So today we have got together because we want to talk about finances with the Coronavirus, exploding the whole entire universe and making oil prices negative. Like you know, there's some fucked up shit going on in the world when the oil companies will pay you to store barrels of oil. So we all might be feeling the crunch. I know I don't know what's going on in Canada, Sarah or anywhere else in the world. But Donald Trump's writing his checks and it's quite funny because he doesn't live in the world or real world. Even though that check is nice and generous. It probably for most of us does not even cover a month of living food bills. You know, we're always going to receive money being gracious, but the reality of it is is a lot of us have lost our jobs or have been put on hold. I don't think we've seen the ramifications yet of what this is actually doing. You know there's all these huge knock on effects that are going to happen and finances is going to be one of them. For a lot of us a lot of the fertility clinics closed. Is that going to affect their finances? There's some questions there. Are they going to be able to reopen? Not just because the Coronavirus is gone, which is never ever going to be gone. It's going to mutate and there's going to be 2021 22 But that's another different podcast. I won't get on my soapbox on that one. We wanted to get down and dirty about how finance controls your life right everything you do. We talked about Jinshan Taros book last time and she has this quote in there that is like everything you do is connected to money. You have a shower, you're paying for the water you eat and food you paid for that food, you know other than sitting out in the sunlight to get your Vitamin D pretty much everything else you
pay for we can you can't escape it and even if you thought you could if you're going through fertility struggles, you sure as shit cannot escape it even if you're just trying to eat organic or take supplements. You're not even considering going to a fertility treatment clinic yet. It costs money and when you realise that having a baby is going to cost you a lot more money than it costs other people, there are certainly lots of thoughts, feelings and fears that come along with that. And we're seeing people's money, fears and money issues play out on a worldwide scale right now, who would have ever guessed six months ago, people would be hoarding toilet paper that our new currency would be toilet paper. It's bizarre the way that it shows up and comes out. But when we're in crisis, that's what happens. And so we're seeing that everybody's in this worldwide crisis, and we're seeing their stuff come out, but women in fertility, you know, if you're in a fertility struggle right now, you've been in crisis. So your issues have come to the surface already. And you've been dealing with the things that people are dealing with on a worldwide scale, like scarcity, like being afraid there's no end. You know, the things that come up for us are now coming up for everybody.
Yeah, exactly. And we're all going to have to rethink our finances and plan for a future. We know I mean, people are talking about this whole Coronavirus pandemic going into Christmas or even into 2022. And it's kind of like how do you even get your head around such long terms of time like that, especially when you're going through infertility and every month counts for you? Right? You are so hyper aware of every month so what can we be doing to shift our mindset about like you just said, the scarcity, the lack the fear, we make poor decisions and fear, right? That's why all the fucking toilet paper is gone. Like that is like for me, that is like the dumbest thing. By I just, I can't get my head around why you need so much fucking toilet paper when the stores are still. Like there was never a threat of the store is closing.
Maybe in a times of scarcity. I'd be the one starving because I did not run out and stockpile toilet paper. I like a fucking why I was not doing it. And when I went luckily enough, I shop in a reasonable manner. I normally have a stockpile of toilet paper. I do this like little self care quiz with my clients. And one of the questions do you have? It's a funny question I always laugh about every time but like, it's like, do you have toothpaste? Do you have toilet paper? Do you have all these things? Because it's like, Are you the kind of person you're like, oh shit, we're out, always running out to get it. So like, that's kind of your organisation. But in the self care piece, because you're putting extra stress on yourself, it'd be interesting because for me, I didn't panic, I didn't go do that stuff. Other people stockpile $10,000 worth of stuff. And now they're trying to return it and that's in the shops are like screw, you know, thank you, I think on to is we talked about the cost of infertility. And obviously, I use donor eggs, I had to pay a lot of money to have my children and a lot of people to doing IVF, like an average takes an average of three cycles at a cost of 60k. So this is very expensive, but also on the flip side, raising children, I think in 2015 the stat was it takes cost over $230,000 to raise your child, one little child over 18 years and all the stuff you'll do for that child and all the programmes and all the things that you will put this child in and spend money on. So right now it sucks that we in the infertility space, as Monica said before, and I've said to you know, for us people, you know, the genetic switch was unfortunately for us is infertility, other people it could be cancer, diabetes, heart disease, whatever it is, we're sitting here it's infertility and to navigate the space where we either go the the conventional route, which I did and later found out you know, I went that route now I know there's other options, but that routes expensive, the functional medicine side of things, there's still as an investment not as expensive nowhere near as expensive as IVF for there's still a cost to this. And even if you just say yeah, I'm going to start eating organic eating organic is more money than even conventional food. Devon's the expert on the money mindset it also is mindset to the Do you have a scarcity mindset there is not enough Are you in like complete panic right now. If any what sector you're done with your job, it can be very much real panic if you're in the travel sector, if you're in travel the airline like like Monica's husband in other sectors, they've just been like the automotive like sectors that have just been decimated. That is a real fear. But I think that uncertainty, we will be dealing with infertility, we are in uncertainty, we're in ambiguity, like every day we don't know and now the whole world is dealing with uncertainty ambiguity, which we're saying could go on for years and years and I think that just sends you into a tailspin of nothing that's an insanity and so it is to be able to we talked on our last episode about responding rather than reacting because you could go down that negative news spiral and react and just lose yourself in complete giving up
what kind of bad choices do you make Devin and fear around money?
Oh my gosh, every pretty much anytime like you said earlier that you're making decisions from a place of fear it's it's a bad decision. It's the wrong choice will commonly see with fertility is people who are either overwhelmed by the information and their response. ability in the realisations and so they are sort of paralysed into inaction, they have a fear of dealing with it. And so they just won't either deal with the underlying cause, or just won't book their second appointment to go try an IUI. Or to move forward with IVF. That's one response. Another response is to move into a place of there's not enough, which is scarcity. So you need to take action now. And that might be doing whatever the doctor said, You didn't even get a second opinion, you just whatever they said, I'm doing it, I have no time, I'm going to rack up credit card debt, I'm going to pull out money from my retirement, I'm going to refi my house at a bad time, they start making drastic choices too quickly, without exploring other options, because they were panicked about time. And so I could go on and on, there's a lot of different choices people make. And the interesting thing is, your decision might end up being the same, you might still decide that you need to take money out of your 401k to fund your fertility. But when you do that, from a place of peace and a place of calmness, and you have looked at all of your options, you've discussed it with your spouse, you guys have formulated a plan, you've come back at it from different angles, it still brings a much different energy to the situation. And I feel that even when the decisions are the same, you still want to make sure that you're coming at it from the right place. And that's the only way to decide what's right for you. Because fears are not facts. When we're feeling in that fight or flight mode. When we are feeling panicked when we don't know what to do. You don't want to make any decisions from that place. You want to be aware that this is fleeting, this isn't a motion, this is momentary, and you can only deal with what's at hand could this you know last until 2022? Maybe could an asteroid come and kill us all before then maybe
that was my son's fear this week. Like literally, he's bombed asteroids coming like he was completely like losing it.
I'm just saying when the when, when you already have anxiety, you could come up with a million things that are gonna go wrong, and you're just waiting for it and feel panicked about it. So really, you know, what might happen a year or two from now is completely irrelevant? What's happening today? What has actually happened? And what can you do with it today? What's the next small step, if you have lost your job, and all of this, if you have, you know, the stimulus check didn't go far enough. What's next for you? That might literally be I clicked on indeed.com and looked at places that were hiring during this time. That's all I'm doing today. I'm not applying I'm not uploading resume, I am literally just looking for shits and giggles to consider the possibility that I might be having to find a different line of work. And then that's enough for today. And then tomorrow, what would be the next small step, the only way to get out of this overwhelm is to pick the next thing you have control over that you can do that doesn't include trying to predict the future
very much so you attract what you focus on. So if you are sat there worrying about money or your fertility in a very negative, fearful way, it's not going to like manifest like manifest manifests just sounds so Whoo. But it's true. Like what you focus on grows, what you focus on, you attract to you. So if you are all fear and anger and the asteroid is gonna come, it's gonna fucking come if enough people focus on the asteroid coming that she is coming towards us people. So stop. Yeah, it's the hardest thing to do, right? And, like, give you like, not a very good fertility example. But we, we just we found a house. And it was what we wanted and Krone started happening. And my husband flies for Hawaiian Airlines, there is a very real possibility that he wasn't going to have a job. And we were just like, what do we do? And it took us a really long time to stop making the decision from fear. Because every time we said no to the house, it came I felt it came from this very real fearful spot that things wouldn't work out the way we wanted. So we decided to buy the house in the midst of a fucking craziness. And you know, my husband's job is secure until September, but there's still a very real possibility that he loses it. And because when this all started, no one would have said it was going to continue the way it did. We thought maybe little shutdown and now like we're saying people are talking a lot longer and I would say hands down the biggest engine St that's gonna get hit hardest is tourism, because it's probably going to be the last one to pick up. But we just went into this with a mindset that what will be will be, when September comes, we will deal with what's going to happen. And I think like, that's kind of how we did our fertility journey as well, like now we're a little bit more mindful about why we're making those decisions, or at least I am, maybe my husband knew this shit before. But you know, every step of our journey, we took time, and I'm just wondering, you know, you mentioned making these really radical decisions about pulling your money out of your 401k, selling your house to fund your fertility, getting into loads of debt, and doing round after round after round. And it's that scarcity of like, if I don't do it, now I'm getting old, I, you know, all those kinds of things play into it. And we're actually making really poor decisions, obviously, on a financial standpoint, but on an emotional standpoint, because all that's just going to keep fucking you up, right? You're just hoping for that golden, that golden egg. And when that golden age doesn't come,
right, and that I mean, there's so many layers and levels to this, one thing that infertility will do is bring to light everything that isn't working, and it'll expose patterns in your life. So if you have some deep seated money mindset issues, if you have some money blocks, those will probably be showing up and until and unless you address them, they will keep showing up. And it's something to actively be aware of and work on unless you want to keep making the same type of poor decisions, you will sabotage yourself hands down. And the other thing you said that I really want to bring up, is that the trusting that you will be okay, is really what it comes down to a lot of the times what you're saying, what I hear you saying about the house is that naturally, you guys were initially responding out of fears, and you're trying to make decisions based on predicting the future. And then you decided that you couldn't do that. And that what you would do, and what you know, will happen one way or another is that you guys will be okay. So oftentimes, it's not really a matter of how much we trust the president to give us enough money to make it or we trust our spouse to not cheat on us, or we trust the universe to make things right and give us a baby, what it really comes down to is how much you trust yourself, to be able to deal with whatever happened. So have a measure of how much you trust anything. And anybody else is really a measure of how much you trust yourself. And so one of the things that's helpful for my clients is that when they get into a fear mode, I'll have them write a list of things that they have succeeded at things that they're proud of things that they have overcome. And if you start writing that out for your whole life, there's usually a lot in the when you bring to your mind, you know, remind yourself that you've actually been through a lot of stuff, there have been a lot of bad days, and you've come out of every single one of them, you've got scrappy, and found a way that that nobody else gets to decide the end for you, that you keep going until you decide those sorts of moments help us to come centre ourselves back to a place in reality, and make decisions based on our best interest in what we hope and wish for, and our dreams of the future and not be making choices from a place of what we're scared of. And this you know, dark future bleak future.
Small goals, right? That's what I always talk about your ultimate goal is getting pregnant. But if you hyper focus on that, you're gonna miss all the things that you need to do in order to get there that looks different for everyone, but focusing on what you can control today. Like you say, tomorrow's like a whole nother shit sandwich, right? You just need to get through today. And what can you do to make today better and if that's like literally doing nothing and having you know, a cry and just re centering yourself, that's what you do in that day. And then like you say, just start small. Or if you're the type of person that you want to bust it all out in one day and apply for five different jobs or you know, research different ways of getting your health together your mental health, your finances, or if you know you need medical support, where's the best place for you to go? I've got this really vivid memory after my second failed IVF and it was literally I gave myself no time to process it. I was up at like 5am googling the shit out of anything that I can Google because I was still unexplained at that time. I was fucking healthy man. Like I should have got pregnant on that IVF and instead of just allowing myself to grieve and step back and breathe, I was printing out surrogacy forums and looking into like, oh, just all different, like loads of stupid shit and I remember being testified my husband that he was like in bed doing what we should have both been doing right, like just releasing and letting go of everything in there. I was trying to control the future in any way I possibly could.
Right? You're like, wake up stupid. Get on your phone and Google with me. Why are you Why are you sleeping through this? About me? Oh, yeah, oh yeah, I did that to my husband all the time. I'm so irritated that he didn't want to spend every waking moment talking about this, like I did for you for years on end. But it brings up another important point, I think about acceptance, which is not surrendering to the situation and giving up. But it is letting go of the angst associated with it. So like recognise your fears, your financial fears, or our real, you know, the situation is intense, it's difficult, like acknowledge and honour that, but then accept that this is what it is, your clinic is shut down, you cannot go back till August, whatever your situation might be, then what am I going to choose to do with this right now, whether that's develop a baby making budget, I'm going to we're going to be working on that. And the fertile money club, whether that's addressing your money mindset issues, you know, being aware of the thoughts and fears that are coming up for you, or the ways you tend to sabotage yourself. You just went and spent all your stimulus, you know, on Amazon Prime, what have you done, you know that it during all of this, what is your natural response to financial fears, now's a good time to be able to bring to light and gain some insight as well. And it's the best time to plan out what you want your future to be, instead of just constantly reacting, we're sort of on a forced timeout right now. And so there are things you can be doing from a healthy place to work, not just on your financial fears, but on your fertility in general.
Yeah. 100%. And, you know, obviously, Sarah and I are banging on about how this time you can be doing you can improve your health, improve your chances. So if you decide to go back to your IVF clinic, or your doctors that you're giving yourself this massive leg up. And I think with the finance part of that, I know when I started doing my own health journey, I was like, here's more money, I'm just throwing it away, I felt like I was throwing away on IVF clinics, and here I am throwing it away on health because at the time, I didn't have the information that this should actually did work. So now when an investment comes to me of bettering myself, I'm like, yep, here's my money, I know that money is well spent, because you don't necessarily feel with health coaching, that you're getting a return on investment quite quickly, right. Where I think with like medical assistants, you can it's like that tangible thing, you get the needles, you get the drugs, you go through this process where with the health coaching, it is very much more long and not tangible. And here we are saying you have to do all the work. I can lead you I can guide you, I can tell you what you need to do. But I can't do it for you where the IVF clinics are like, this is what you're going to do. And we're going to do all the hard work other than injecting yourself. For me most of my clients have done IVF they've done IUI they've bought all the books, they've bought all the supplements, they have done everything right. They've done programmes online with other mindset people, I don't even know what the percentage is. But the small amount of people that like myself that none of that shit is going to work for them. Because there's there's just that missing piece. And so they come and I feel like they have spent their money, right. And it is a very hard thing to get their head around of like, I've got to invest again in myself.
I think that the acceptance of this is what it costs is important. Because here's the thing that I find with most people, it's the expectation you had that this money was going to get you this result. And the fact that it didn't that is so upsetting. And then also the not seeing the end of it. So if I told you in the beginning, this baby is going to cost you $100,000 It will take you to IUI and three failed IVF two health coaches and eventually you will land on Monaco's programme, and that will be the last thing that you have to invest in to get pregnant have this baby you would probably be okay with it. You would be pissed for a little bit and then you would be like how am I coming up with 100 grand How do I get through these steps? Can I hurry up and get through these failed IVF so that I can move on because this is what's going to happen to give me my baby. The problem is that you don't know that you just don't know when it's going to end and the not knowing is so so hard. Like if I told if I told you that once you have this baby they had a medical condition that was going to require surgery it was going to cost you $100,000 Would you come up with $100,000 to A save your child's life. Yeah, you would, can you come up with $100,000 to create your child's life? Yeah, you can, it's not a matter of if you can do it, it's the resolve to do it one way or another. And it's accepting the not knowing and moving forward anyways, that are oftentimes the hardest part.
And I just want to point out too, that if you do any other kind of holistic thing along your way, you're improving your health. So when you finally get to me, it makes my job a little bit easier. You know, it's a, it's a culmination of
skip the 60k, and just go right. And do that first. I don't know, like, I think in this space, there's, as we say, it's like three cycles of the cost of 60k. Like, why is why do we go there first, like, let's figure out what why it's not working in the first place. And I think with like, around the the money thing, yeah, like, our mindset, and is it does it come? And it just comes and flows right out? Because we're just spending? Or is it the scarcity to see kind of where you stand? I'm sure. Devon's got a whole different types of money mindset as to what people are. But I think like a tangible thing is and Devin did this in one of her challenges is like, if you're looking for cash, we all have stuff in our fucking house. Like, I just sold a bunch of stuff. And I'm like, we all have junk in our house, that is not junk to someone else, and is junk to us. So if we need some money to invest in a programme invest in ourselves, we have it there. Or we can take that and save it for the future. If you know if we're unemployed right now. But you know, I listen to Gary Vee, who is my my entrepreneurial? God? And yeah, he talks about this all the time, because people are like, I don't have any money to make YouTube videos or to do all these things. What do I do? And he's like, look in your house, we all have the stuff. So there's things we can do right now. And I do think in the infertility space, that, that we're thinking that that we need to go right to the fertility clinic that we need to spend, as a doctor has told us, you know, that we need to spend $20,000 To make this happen. There's other ways of looking at this. And you know, this episode is not on that we're talking about our money mindset. So it is to see what type are you? And what is what are your thoughts on money, my thoughts on money is it's always there, but I love spending it. So that's never been my issue. The money has always been always around and then say raking spending. So not until I got honest with that hired a person to help me on that. And I wanted to kill her the whole entire fucking time. I just it was a money coach. And I just wanted to beat her. But I paid to have her she came in, and she beat us up every month, and we got herself. And now I look at my budget because both of us didn't look at it. We look at our budget, we look to see what we're spending. Are we always perfect? No, because our issue is to spend even if it just keeps coming in all the money, see where you are. And maybe for you the money never comes because you're you think it won't. When we went through the with donor eggs, we had to spend money and we use our own money because we were both working and we had it and I didn't even think like to me money was not even an issue. But we didn't go into debt there. But I figured it out. And I don't know. So that comes from my upbringing. My dad who was a spender, always kind of thing. So that's like a whole other podcast on going back to your childhood to see where that stuff comes from. But with the mindset with money, like it's deeply held beliefs that we don't even know were there. And that's this whole entire process of working on yourself.
Yeah, well, yeah, that is a whole nother episode. I think we always come back to that, right, always come back. And that's where it starts. Exactly. We have to an end. So in the fertile money clubs. So I did launch that five day challenge. You're talking about Sarah, which was interesting in and of itself, because even just asking people to go through their closets to organise one area, you know, we found Shweta, and about tracking more money in. And then I asked people to, you know, find something to list it. And even that exercise brought up so many different issues and feelings for people. Like, I don't have anything worth selling. Nobody's going to want my stuff. I had one person who told me about some vintage posters they had from the 90s from when they were into grunge rock that nobody was going to want. What What should I do with these? And I was like, Are you out of your mind? Every dude on eBay? Every nerd in their mom's basement wants the
crew is now now the thing right?
Yes, people want that. Like it's so interesting to see what comes up. And so this first month we are working through our money memories. And the reason is, I can give people all of the practical tools I can give them the budgeting spreadsheets, we can talk about you know, should they refi their home, none of that matters. If you don't address your money mindset issues, which are usually originated from our childhood. And they are beliefs that we don't recognise that we don't realise we have and until they're identified, stopped and reprogrammed, they sabotage you like you have plenty of money coming in because your belief is I always have money money's everywhere. So that that is What happens in your life and then you get rid of it as fast as it comes in? That's a separate block. So then there's people who are in a scarcity mindset who think there's never enough money. Well guess what they make sure happens in their life, that they never have enough freakin money. Like, we only want to prove ourselves, right? We have a belief, and we only look for evidence to prove ourselves, right? Because what happens if we're right? We feel safe. We have successfully predicted the future we can say yet again. Oh, I guessed it. I knew there wouldn't be any money this month. And there wasn't, I'm right. Again, we are always proving ourselves, right. So be aware of that in your response to money fears that you're having per fertility or worldwide crisis? What are your tendencies what patterns are coming up, because you're gonna have to start there, if you want to make meaningful, lasting change.
That was interesting. When I was doing we were looking around the house, because we sold our house in the middle of the pandemic, and we're moving. And so with that we're cleaning everything out. So we did sell a few things. But our thing is like, oh, let's just either we gave all kinds of things away to my friends. So I gave a bunch of stuff away. And we put things out in the lawn to take it for free that I'm like, why don't we do that? It's interesting that because I'm just like, why am I giving it away? When I could have sold
it? I'd have a few theories. But that would be a whole other show.
Where I'm like, I literally remember we had this bought this awning only first moved to this house, it was probably like $1,000 awning. And we took it off the side of the house. We put it on the front lawn. It was gone in like an hour. And we could have sold that. So both of us have that thing. And then this is a Yeah, but that's a whole other thing you can analyse later.
You could book a session with me directly, I'll send you the links.
When you started this journey, when you start the mindset, the diet, the lifestyle, you realise that it's all connected, finances, health, wealth, life, it's all one it's all energy. And it is literally just coming back and confronting those subconscious issues. And I think that's hands down. The hardest thing you'll ever have to do in your journey is scary and emotional. And I think a lot of people we talked about this before, you know, we've been told to shut down our emotions. So it's hard to get through those things. But I really hope this episode has helped you guys during this time. I know it's a new it's a big thing, just dealing with infertility and finances and now with the world spinning on a different access for a few more months, which is a good and a bad thing. I think you just take this time to maybe refocus on your energy and how you feel about money and shift those focuses and come out of this huge pandemic with a better mindset about finances and how you can control them. Thank you so much for joining us again ladies. Always a pleasure. And if you want to connect with any of us, you can find them down in the show notes and we will see you next Tuesday for another close to the day clip. Thank you once again for joining us here on finding fertility. If you would like to connect with any one of the beautiful women here on the talk show the fertility connection all their information is down in the show notes. If you are loving this podcast please feel free to leave us a rating and review. Let us know how this podcast is helping you move through your fertility journey and what you want to hear more of that's it for me today. Have a beautiful weekend and we will see you next Tuesday for another closer today. Clip
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