Perfect Health, Failed IVF and What I Could Not See: From IVF Loss to Natural Pregnancy at 36
After my second failed IVF I had nothing left to optimize.
For a year I had been perfect. Perfect diet. Perfect supplements. Yoga. Meditation. Labs that looked clean. I looked healthy. I felt healthy. On paper there was nothing to fault.
And I still did not make it to day twenty eight.
The only thing that kept me steady was that we made better embryos that round. My first IVF had been a shambles. Zero healthy viable embryos. I had printed off surrogacy forms because I did not want to waste embryos on my body.
That is how little I trusted myself.
When I finally calmed down and demanded autoimmune testing I discovered I still had high natural killer cells. Even after a year of being perfect.
That truth cracked something open.
I went on to miscarry. I had an IVF baby. I miscarried twins. And eventually I got pregnant naturally at thirty six after eight years of infertility.
I have more failures in my fertility journey than I have wins.
And that is not a tragic statement. It is an honest one.
Perfect Health Is Not the Whole Story
There is a stage in this journey where you believe that if you clean up your cellular health everything will align. And cellular health matters. Deeply. Mitochondria. Inflammation. Gut health. Immune regulation.
You cannot bypass the physical body.
But there comes a point where you realize that perfection in the physical does not override deeper patterns.
When I became a mother I thought I would be Mary Poppins. Pinterest worthy. Calm. Educated. Prepared. I had twenty years in early education and a degree to match.
Motherhood humbled me fast.
Old emotional patterns that I did not even know I was running came screaming to the surface. My perfect diet and yoga routine could not fix them. My meditation practice could not override them.
I had to learn how the emotional body works. How the frequency body responds. How subconscious blocks shape behavior long after you think you have healed.
Fertility will do the same thing.
It will expose the patterns you did not know you were living inside.
Failure Is Feedback
When you feel like you are failing and failing it is easy to believe you are broken.
I had to reframe what failure meant.
Every failed cycle. Every miscarriage. Every negative test was information. It showed me what was not working for me. Not what was universally wrong. What was misaligned in my system.
That required radical honesty.
Not toxic positivity. Not pretending everything was happening for a reason. Not bypassing grief.
Radical honesty.
Am I truly moving forward. Am I clinging to control. Am I outsourcing my power. Am I numbing. Am I afraid to slow down.
Time is going to pass anyway. That was the sentence that anchored me.
If time is going to pass I can either spend it spiraling in unexplained infertility hell or I can use it to refine my internal environment.
The Delusion and the Knowing
During those years I lived in what I now recognize as a strange mix of delusion and deep knowing.
On one hand I believed I was infertile. The evidence seemed overwhelming. The diagnoses. The losses. The statistics.
On the other hand there was a quiet conviction in my heart that this was not the end of my story.
It was not loud. It was not arrogant. It was steady.
That knowing is difficult to explain. It does not come from logic. It does not come from affirmations. It feels embedded.
If you feel that in your own heart then the work is not about forcing conception. It is about aligning with that deeper truth.
Surrendering the constant trying to conceive energy does not mean giving up. It means shifting focus.
Focus on cellular health. On lowering inflammation. On supporting gut health. On stabilizing the immune system if high natural killer cells are present. On repairing what is physically out of balance.
And equally focus on joy.
Not performative joy. Real joy. The kind that softens your nervous system.
Beyond the Checklist
There is a level of exhaustion that comes from juggling medical treatment as a part time job while also running holistic protocols and holding a full time career and family life.
It becomes unsustainable.
At some point you have to ask how you want to move through this journey.
Not how you want it to end. How you want to move through it.
Do you want to be tight and braced and depleted. Or steady and honest and aligned.
Fertility is innate. It does not need to be commanded. It responds to conditions.
When you use medical assistance from a place of empowerment instead of desperation the energy shifts. When you address autoimmune patterns instead of ignoring them the body responds. When you stop outsourcing every decision and begin to trust your discernment the pressure lowers.
Possibilities open not because you forced them but because you created space.
Joy Before the Outcome
If I could speak to the woman I was in my late twenties I would not give her a supplement list. I would not give her a rigid protocol.
I would tell her to bring real joy into her life before the babies came.
Because motherhood does not erase patterns. It reveals them.
And fertility is not just about creating a child. It is about becoming the version of yourself who can hold what you desire.
The more failures I had the more I refined what did not work for me. That is not a romantic spin. It is lived experience.
Alignment is quieter than desperation. It is less dramatic. It requires more self responsibility.
Your journey might include IVF. It might include autoimmune testing. It might include natural conception. It might include all of it.
What matters is how you inhabit the process.
I had more losses than wins. And yet the steady truth in my heart never left.
If you feel that truth in yours then your task is not to prove it.
It is to live in a way that supports it.
Let's Do This Together 💚
Monica
Listen up, lovelies: Everything I share about health, diet, or fertility magic is my opinion. Yep, it’s all based on years of trial and error, study, reading, listening, and side-eyeing the nonsense out there. What worked for me might be a jackpot for you—or it might be a total flop. Bodies are weird like that. 🤷♀️
Let’s get one thing straight: I’m not a doctor, nutritionist, dietitian, or any other kind of licensed health wizard. If you need medical advice, run—don’t walk—to an actual qualified professional. Don’t come back here saying Monique told you to eat kale for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, okay?
As for the products I mention, they’re either what I used during my own infertility rollercoaster or what I wish I’d known about back then. No guarantees, no promises, and absolutely no refunds on your hope budget if it doesn’t work out.
Now that we’ve cleared that up, proceed with curiosity and, above all, discernment. You’ve got this. 💪✨
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Full Transcript:
00:00
After my second failed IVF, after a year of being perfect, I mean, you could not fault my health. I looked healthy, I was healthy, all my numbers looked healthy, and I still didn't make it to day 28 on that cycle. The only thing that kept me going was that we made better embryos this time around. My first IVF shambles zero healthy, viable embryos. I went as far to print off a surrogacy form.
00:27
because I didn't want to waste those embryos on my body. Now, after I calmed myself down and I demanded some autoimmune testing, even after that year of being perfect and healthy, perfect diet, I still had high natural killer cells. I went on to have a miscarriage, an IVF baby, I miscarried the twins, and then I got pregnant actually at 36. When I got pregnant actually at 36, I was eight years of a fertility journey. I know that it can seem like I can come on.
00:56
here and just have this amazing outlook of life because I have my children now. What I can confidently tell you is that when I became a mother, I thought it was gonna be Mary Poppins. I thought it was gonna be the Pinterest mom. I have 20 years of early education. I have a degree in it. All of my old patterns that I did not realize I was running came screaming, hollering in, which my perfect physical diet
01:26
yoga routine, meditation supplements, could not fix. I had to go through another learning curve of understanding how not only the physical body works, but how the emotional body and the frequency body works. Your fertility journey is gonna have this, right? I have more failures in my fertility journey than I have wins. But I keep saying to myself, the more failures I have, that means uh the more times I tried and I figured out what didn't work for me,
01:55
and what is working for me and not stick in this positive toxic environment to get really radically honest with yourself of like, hey, I know I'm moving forward time is going to pass anyways I still have this desire in my heart how am I gonna move through this journey? and so I wish I had someone on the internet when I was going through this saying, hey look
02:20
There are so many different possibilities to improve your situation through your thoughts, your emotions, your physical being, through your frequency. And looking at the areas of my life where I could improve that so I could just bring real true joy into my life before the babies came. I think I lived in delusion during those fertility years.
02:42
when i truly thought i was infertile and i was running this crazy negative mindset but i definitely lived in delusion that one day it was possible and the only thing that i can relate it to is that it just was always in my heart
03:00
And I think for a lot of women going on this journey who feel like they're failing and they're failing, that's what I keep saying, is that if you feel it in your heart, you can surrender the trying to conceive part of it and just focus on the cellular health and the joy. And because your fertility is innate and because we live in a time that medical assistance is available to those who truly needed or who truly want to use it. When you are in alignment, when you are using medical assistance in empower
03:30
then possibilities open up for you.
