It was not going to happen in my time.
Not when I expected it.
Not when I had done everything right.
Not when I followed the medical systems that should work more than 40 percent of the time.
I did the protocols. I followed the calendars. I trusted the experts. I believed that if I behaved correctly my body would respond correctly.
And when it did not I thought I had failed.
That is the part no one says out loud. Fertility burnout is not just physical exhaustion. It is the slow erosion of trust. You start out believing in the system. Then you question the system. Then you question yourself.
If someone I trusted had told me back then that it was not coming on my timeline but it was still coming I want to believe I would have listened. A doctor. An expert. A guru. Even some cartoon conscience whispering in my ear.
Because now I understand something I did not understand then.
I understand why I went through what I went through.
I was not an expert. I did not have a medical degree. I was not intuitive in some mystical way. I did not grow up studying subconscious healing or gut health or frequency or emotional healing.
I knew nothing.
And yet I still figured it out.
Not because I am special. Because I chose something different.
I chose to believe that my story was not over even when the data said it might be. I chose to keep showing up to my own healing even when it felt invisible. I chose to trust myself even when that trust looked delusional to the people around me.
That choice did not make things instant.
It took its time.
And that is the part that used to make me furious. Healing takes time. The physical body takes time to respond. The nervous system takes time to soften. Cellular health does not shift because you want it to. It shifts because you create the environment for it over and over again.
Consistency is not sexy. It is not dramatic. It is not loud.
It is daily.
We talk about mindset like it is a motivational switch. It is not. It is repetition. It is choosing the same belief when there is no proof yet. It is staying with yourself when everyone else thinks you should pivot or panic.
The unseen is not magical thinking. It is simply what has not materialized yet.
There were moments in my infertility where I could feel two roads in front of me. One was the road of outsourcing my power completely. The other was the road of taking radical responsibility for my internal state while still using external support.
Both roads required effort. But only one required me to stay connected to myself.
IVF trauma is not only about injections and procedures. It is about the moment you start believing that your body cannot be trusted. It is about the frequency of doubt that seeps into everything. It is about the quiet voice that says maybe you are the exception in the worst way.
Subconscious blocks do not always look dramatic. Sometimes they look like chronic self doubt. Sometimes they look like people pleasing your doctors. Sometimes they look like abandoning your own instincts because an expert sounded confident.
I do not know why some women figure it out and some do not. I do not know why some pregnancies happen quickly and others take years. I am not here to explain divine timing or karma or destiny.
The only clean answer I have is choice.
At every moment of your infertility journey you get to choose whether you will trust yourself. Whether you will believe in your body. Whether you will show up for your healing even when it is slow.
You do not have to be perfect. You do not have to meditate for two hours. You do not have to eat flawlessly. You do not have to clear every subconscious block in one month.
But you do have to be consistent.
Consistent in trust.
Consistent in showing up.
Consistent in believing something that might look crazy to everyone else around you.
Including the expert.
There were people who thought I was in denial. People who thought I was clinging to false hope. People who thought that if the numbers were not in my favor then the story was already written.
And yet here I am.
Not because I forced it. Not because I bypassed reality. Not because I rejected science.
Because I stayed.
I stayed in my body. I stayed in my process. I stayed in my belief that healing was possible even if it was gradual. Gut health shifted. Immune patterns shifted. Stress patterns softened. Emotional healing unfolded in layers I did not even know were there.
None of it was dramatic. It was cumulative.
There is a version of you that already believes this will work out. She is quieter than the fear. She is steadier than the statistics. She does not argue with the data. She just knows the data is incomplete.
When you are deep in infertility it feels like you are racing a clock. Every month feels loaded. Every birthday feels heavy. The narrative about age and fertility presses on you from every direction.
But pressure does not create life. Safety does.
Trust is not blind optimism. It is a frequency your body can feel. It is the difference between bracing and softening. Between forcing and allowing. Between fighting your body and partnering with it.
I am conned into believing in success. That is how it feels now. Like the story was always bending toward it even when I could not see how.
It did not arrive when I demanded it. It arrived when my body was ready. When the internal environment caught up with the belief I had been practicing.
Some people will hear this and think it is naive. Some will hear it and feel relief. Some will feel resistance because trusting yourself is harder than following instructions.
That is fine. This is not about convincing anyone.
It is about remembering that you have a choice at every stage of infertility. Not a choice about the exact timing. Not a choice about controlling every outcome.
A choice about who you are going to be while you wait & whether you abandon yourself or stay. Sometimes staying is the most radical act of healing there is.
