Why You're Still Not Pregnant Despite Doing Everything Right | Infertility, Failed IVF & Egg Quality

What I didn't understand back then was that I had enough knowledge to sink a ship. Looking back, that's actually what made it so frustrating. Every time something didn't work, I genuinely believed there had to be another answer somewhere. Another piece of research. Another expert. Another test. Not because I was irrational, but because that's how I'd solved problems my entire life. When something wasn't working, I learned more, worked harder, and eventually figured it out.

The trouble is that fertility didn't seem interested in playing by those rules.

At some point I had to admit that I wasn't struggling because I lacked information. I had information coming out of my ears. What I lacked was awareness. I couldn't see the patterns that were driving my decisions because I was inside them. That's the tricky thing about patterns. The ones causing the most friction rarely feel like patterns. They just feel like you. They feel like common sense. They feel like being responsible. They feel like staying committed to the goal.

For me, one of those patterns was the belief that if I could just do enough, I would eventually earn the outcome I wanted. I didn't consciously think that. If you'd asked me, I probably would have denied it. But when I looked at how I was actually living, it was there in everything. It was there in the way I approached my health. It was there in the pressure I put on myself. It was there in the constant search for certainty in a situation that simply couldn't offer it.

What makes fertility so confronting is that it forces you into a relationship with uncertainty whether you like it or not. You can follow every recommendation, spend every dollar, eat the cleanest diet on the planet, and still not get the result you want on the timeline you want. Most women know this intellectually. The challenge is that very few women realise how much energy they're spending trying to outrun that uncertainty.

I see it all the time. Women tell me they're doing everything right, and most of the time they're telling the truth. They are doing everything right according to the information they've been given. But underneath all that doing is often a level of pressure, fear, grief, resentment, hypervigilance, and self-monitoring that nobody is talking about. They're so focused on what they're doing that they've lost sight of how they're being.

That's why I've become less interested in asking what protocol someone is following and more interested in understanding the patterns running underneath it all. Because two women can follow the exact same protocol and have completely different experiences of it. One woman is operating from trust, flexibility, and self-respect. The other is operating from fear, urgency, and the belief that if she gets one thing wrong she's ruined her chances.

The protocol is the same.

The experience is not.

And neither is the impact it has on her life.

This is the part of the fertility conversation that fascinated me long after I became pregnant. Once I stopped obsessing over getting the outcome and started observing human behaviour, I realised that fertility wasn't the only place these patterns showed up. They were everywhere. They influenced how people approached money, relationships, health, business, parenting, and almost every major decision they made.

The fertility journey simply had a way of exposing them more clearly than most experiences do.

And once I started seeing that, I couldn't unsee it.

Full Transcript: 

00:00
I survived the exact maze you're stuck in right now. And I'm going to show you something that could radically change your life or you can just think it's complete BS. During the eight years of infertility BS, the endless struggle to find the answer and continuing on after I had my IVF baby and getting pregnant naturally at 36 when I was told at 30.

00:28
after shambles of an IVF that had low egg quality and there was nothing I can do to improve my situation. I now have this really annoying superpower that I cannot shut off to see the BS, the holes where when you're doing everything right, when you know you have all the answers and you're still not seeing the success you want, why that's possibly happening and how you can get.

00:55
the fuck out of it. So most people think life starts at birth. Now some people know that life actually starts at conception when good old fashioned sperm meets egg. But here's the thing that a lot of people don't know and which radically changed my whole journey. So when I started studying epigenetics about your mother's health, your father's health, your grandparents' health, your great grandparents and going on,

01:22
That's when the game changed for me. This is when that light bulb moment of this isn't just about a moment of time of egg meeting sperm. So we have been taught that even if we start at conception and we just leave out epigenetic, you are taught conception to death is linear, that we are just on this one path. And potentially you have some understanding that you can control it with your diet, your environment.

01:52
your emotions, all those things. So most people believe that you start there and that you're going to continue your little strawberry life along this lane. A few people talk about death being down here and life being up here and homeostasis. I've written this word here because

02:21
Homeostasis is your body's natural ability to always be healing. It is always fighting for you. It just needs the right environment to do what it innately knows what to do. Because of life, we might start pretty well off in the cellular health, mental, emotional well-being realm. Sometimes we don't. We can start off here. We can start off here. We can go down to here pretty quickly.

02:51
It takes three generations to turn off genes. The good news is it takes three generations to turn them back on. At my conception, I'm going to put myself about here.

03:06
Middle of the line. My parents didn't have any difficulty having children. They were fit. They were healthy, supposedly. But they had some BS, like we all do. It was 1981. Now, by time I got to about the age of 17, I was here. My cellular health is decreasing, possibly following a trajectory.

03:36
of that. Now this was due to all the factors we know today that affect cellular health. Mental, emotional, physical. It's highly likely that I was dealing with fertility issues at the age of 17. Knowing what I know now, I don't believe I got lucky with my high school boyfriend. But because I was unaware, I was still high functioning. Right here, type A. I continued.

04:06
to get here. This is my first failed IVF at 30. This is when I was told that I had low A quality and there was nothing I can do to improve my situation. Now because I didn't believe them and literally had voices in my head in the WTF appointment screaming at me that that was complete BS, you will figure it out. We're not gonna give you the book or the keys or the easy road, but...

04:36
We know that you will figure this out. I decided to make changes. Now, this area, this jumbled up area was not on purpose. The type A personality and the perfectionist 10 years ago would have erased it and started over again, but I left it and it's pretty funny because this is the time of my life that radical shifts.

05:05
started happening for me because I started to choose differently. So I was on this trajectory of just down, living life, high functioning, but I was constantly sick. I kept getting tonsillitis. I had digestive issues that the doctors just called IBS and told me don't eat raw vegetables. I had brain fog, I had joint pain. I had all the classic symptoms of gut dysbiosis.

05:32
that at that stage in time, this is 2011. So because life doesn't just run this way, it's a series of positive, negative output. I kept going this way with my cellular health and therefore it affected my fertility health. Now luckily, I caught this in enough time for me to change my situation. If I would have waited until my 40s,

06:02
I would have continued to be down there. And because of biology, it is much harder to take the time and energy, because you now are on a time crunch between 40 and 50, to boost your cellular health up. But I was only 30 there. So I took a year of my life to do that, to start going up instead of down and sideways.

06:32
this little step to come up here. 31 right there. This is second failed IVF at 31. After a year of perfection doing a lot of things right. Knowing what I know now and this is just a made-up line but this is what I call the fertility line. You have a line here and this is not perfection and this is not health this is just the ability to get and stay pregnant.

06:59
So reoccurring miscarriages, you're like kind of hovering around this line below this line. I was really far away from this fertility line. So it took me quite a while to get up close to this line. My first failed IVF, zero. Zero viable embryos. My second IVF, five. So.

07:26
I have now proven scientifically that a quality can improve because the doctors were a hundred percent sure it was me, my a quality husband's room was fine. Everything else looked normal. It's your a quality that is causing the fertility issues. Now after the second failed IVF, I demanded immune testing that we got talked out of because I wasn't having reoccurring miscarriages. So I decided.

07:56
to get the testing came back, I had elevated natural killer cells. So that meant still a lot of inflammation in my body, even though we've gotten to a certain point where I can make healthy embryos, I could not get pregnant. I took some more time and because this is 10 years, right, I'm not moving quickly down this anymore. I'm going pretty slowly up here, right? So when I got that information,

08:26
I was very lucky that there was a basic blog, you'll know her now for a lot more, called The Paleo Mom. And she was linking gut health to autoimmune issues. And the light bulb went off and I said, well, if it can affect other areas of your body, can affect your fertility. So not only was the gut health my main issue causing lots of

08:55
inflammation all over the place causing all these normal and common health issues but decreasing my egg quality because my whole body cellular health was low and increasing my body's ability to reject an embryo because an embryo is a foreign agent until the placenta takes over so even if i was getting to a healthy phase of an embryo being healthy to survive my body was rejecting it at the age of

09:25
I think I was like 33, marked my first miscarriage, but also first pregnancy. Now I'm closer to this fertility line, the ability to get pregnant, which at that stage, I think it was about five years that I had never got pregnant. I've never seen a positive pregnancy test. So more proof that increasing my whole body's cellular health mattered.

09:54
was moving me up to life. My body was given the right things to do its job, to detox, to cycle hormones, all the things that you need for healthy fertility. So from first pregnancy to first miscarriage, I kept going. So at the age of 35, I had my IVF baby. I think I was 36 when I gave birth. Success. But I also used immune-suppressing drugs.

10:24
which at the time I still needed to maintain a pregnancy. So I keep going with my diet, lifestyle, my little baby in tow, the pressure of all the fertility BS completely off my shoulders now, even though I know I wanted another child. At 36, had my second miscarriage. I miscarried twins through...

10:50
frozen embryo transfer using immune suppressing drugs again. Now have to admit this miscarriage to that miscarriage hurt a lot more. I still had never gotten pregnant naturally. In between my IVF baby and this miscarriage, we didn't try naturally for various reasons and I thought that was the end. I still wasn't living in a reality that natural pregnancy was

11:19
possible that I had improved my health so much and that your fertility is innate and if you have all the working bits It can happen at any age. So two months later I'm still this person right two months later. It's not that far away Natural pregnancy I had my second son I got pregnant at 36 gave birth at 37 and I kind of just didn't stop there once you understand this concept

11:49
of cellular health, of moving through your life on a level of this way instead of this way and that the past can dictate your future if you let it. So now I'm halfway here, kept going, and I actually believe that I haven't just gone here to 45. If I did testing,

12:16
like bone density, cellular health, all those types of things. I think I would be over here. I'm more healthier today at 45 and probably more fertile. Now you can go positive and negative at any time of this timeline. Your, let's say your 20s to when you get to, you know, 100. This is your responsibility.

12:45
you are in charge here. You don't have much say, if any, along this path. So that's why some of us are born on the path down here and we gotta fight our way up to here. And some of us in life seem to have it a little bit easier. We haven't been through as much or we start with better cellular health. But trust me, those people can. Life circumstances take them down or they continue to go up.

13:15
and realize that they're the ultimate controller. I at 40 had another major realization that it's taken me five years. I'm 45 here, I'm here 45. From here, didn't go completely straight up and back. I feel my life kind of went like that. This phase of my life, I had enough knowledge to sink a ship. What I wasn't doing was applying it

13:45
to the physical reality. And I don't mean your diet. I mean your subconscious beliefs, identity, all of that BS that we now know absolutely runs the show. So when I got into this phase of my life, I had big questions. Why wasn't I seeing the results that I possibly saw here, knowing so much with my reality?

14:15
And this is what I'm seeing with women who have knowledge, who are doing everything right and still stuck in a fertility journey and not seeing the results they want, meaning a live birth. So I had to start unpacking the beliefs and the BS that came from here. The stuff that I didn't have control over that I never asked for.

14:45
These are your human patterns that you're not dealing with. Because you're carrying so much knowledge and you think you're doing the right things and it feels comfortable to do more instead of to do less and be with yourself more and not listen to an audiobook or a podcast at 1.5 and get through it and go faster and have the career and have all this and still get what you want.

15:16
Many women have seen amazing success but have never understood the potential consequences, the negative effect of always being on the go, people-pleasing control. So as much as they might feel like, well, I'm in my 30s to 40s, I'm super successful, but it's come at a cost.

15:45
your cellular health is here. You can plateau and you can just spin your wheels, cycling, cycling, cycling, cycling, and then all of a sudden, you're going more to death because you're unwilling to look at these patterns, these emotions. Grief, resentment are huge. Trust, safety.

16:14
to allow you to get out of this spiral and go up to have this longevity with your future children and your grandchildren and not be the grandma who sits down here and can't join in the fun. I think the thing that people who deal with fertility issues really know the most is that this isn't life to death this way.

16:44
we experience when we have miscarriages, death.

16:52
down here.

16:56
with the embryos that don't make it, with the babies that don't make it before birth. And this isn't always tied to cellular health. There can be other factors in this process that contribute to that, that we don't make it to birth. We also know as a society that death can happen here, it can happen here, some of it's in our control and some of it isn't.

17:25
So I hear you asking, that's all great. Thank you for more knowledge, more understanding. How do I take action? But more importantly, if I feel like I already know and I've done a lot, why isn't it working? So you're definitely hearing people on the internet saying, oh my gosh.

17:46
I manifest so easily now. just listen to an audio, I reprogram my subconscious mind and like, boom, I've got my love, I've got my baby, I've got my money. Now while I believe them, I absolutely believe them. And there is a phase in the journey where reprogramming your subconscious mind with

18:11
the same affirmations again and again and again in theta state that really let me state that can really project you into the future but here's what they're forgetting these people that are saying this on the internet have spent years a lot of money many different modalities from emotional release from energetic release

18:39
changing the timeline, visualization, psychedelics, all forms absolutely work. But they have gotten to a point, they've cut through their, but they have cut through their BS. And that's how it feels. That's how this journey feels. Some of it is easy to get through. Some of it is gonna be like this. This one isn't.

19:08
It's not budging and you got to work hard at that layer some of them smudge You got to keep repeating But to break through to this is your Zen state which like I said up here People think oh at birth your you know, you've born pure I I have a hard time believing that because we know

19:37
we have, we inherit a lot of this BS. So yes, it could possibly be that we are born pure if our mom and dad, our grandma and grandpa, the generation before that maybe, potentially past lives stuff that you can't, you don't even know have all rendered itself, if that's the right word, for you to show up.

20:06
and live this like perfect life. I don't even know if that's an earth experience though because without adversity, without that dark light, how do know what light is? Do I believe that you have to go through some of the things that people go through to know what light is? Absolutely fucking not. But the polarity and

20:34
The awareness of the polarity and not getting sucked into the polarity, either side of the polarity is the game. I have yet to figure out why. I still have many questions as to But when you are trying to get to this ultimate zen place, which like I said, I don't even know if it exists as we think about it, but you're like, Monica, I'm just trying to have a baby here.

21:03
And I understand that and that's all I wanted and when I got it and spent my first five years plus not enjoying motherhood like I thought I should enjoy it, that's when I went way deeper. So when they talk about manifestation just by visualization or affirmations,

21:30
They've cut through the bullshit. There's a time in your life, you don't have to clear all of it because I don't think that's possible, or even the goal here on earth. But when you get to a certain stage, and it could be here, it could be here, it could be here for you. Everyone's so different where the ability to feel, visualize, and reprogram your subconscious mind is...

21:59
as easy as just listening to affirmations again and again and again. It's because they have cut through all of this heavy bullshit.

22:13
You're not blocking yourself anymore from all of this. With fertility, you're doing everything right. And let's say your ability to get pregnant is this line or this line. And you think you've done it. You have potentially patterns in your life that are keeping you stuck. Emotional blocks, identity, storylines.

22:43
that are contributing both energetically and physically. It's a both game. So it's the radical awareness of your own BS, the stories, the identities, the belief systems that you have to understand about yourself and about this. Okay, maybe not that, but definitely this to cut through to.

23:12
ultimate goal. Now, I know you're sitting here going like, but Monica, what about the woman who isn't healthy, who doesn't have her mindset straight and has a child very easily? Now, comparison is going to f you up more than it is them. You're now comparing your journey to either someone you know or you don't know and that gets you off track.

23:38
and distracts you from the stuff you need to personally do to reach your goal. I don't believe you have to have all of this figured out to have a baby. There are millions of men and women who have proven that to us. No shade, no judgment. But in your lifetime, this is possibly your journey. Your little babies.

24:06
are sat up here asking you to do your best without them right now for whatever reason. They want to come down to an easier life because we can all agree that Earth right now is on fire. So if you're still wanting a child in this day and age, they're asking you to do better.

24:36
for you because that's gonna ripple out into their life. They are hoping you get rid of all of this and not pass it down like it was passed down before. So they can spend their life here that they have no control over and when they get to the part where you're supposed to let them go, they might only have.

25:07
you know, a little bit of stuff to work on. Another thing about doing everything right is that you might not be doing the right things for you. A lot of the right things come with control. They come with fear, anger, resentment, grief. You're doing, you're not being, and there's a distinct difference. So what I've learned in the last 15 years by trial and error and studying,

25:36
observing, watching, working with other people is that your human patterns are gonna be what makes or breaks your ability to change the frequency, to change the energy, to change the subconscious. You can go into a session, have a major breakthrough, and then spend the next week running the same BS.

26:01
that you just try to get rid of because you don't have the awareness, you don't have the consciousness to, oh, there it goes again. That's that neuron that fired up. We ain't playing this game anymore and you continue to run it. Then you go back, you pay more money. You ask more questions. Why isn't this working? When you're not willing to get out of the doing because society has imprinted in you that this matters so much more.

26:27
than being and finding that balance of living in the real world, living in the matrix, but also playing the game in a different way. My ability now, because I've erased, changed, I mean this one's a motherfucker and I'm not gonna lie there are some patterns that are as thick as hell. So my ability to see human patterns

26:52
Through frequency, through subconscious, through energy is a game changer. And you can do this for yourself. But the reason you don't do it is because it's exhausting. It takes willingness to be consistent and your consistent action will create your evidence. So your body, your subconscious beliefs, your energy, your frequency, your nervous system, your fascia is literally wired to protect you from the thing that you consciously want. It's your job to unpack that, unwind that.

27:21
and give it time.